Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
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Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?
Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.
Me: *looks warily at our kids*
My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.
“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
MARY JANE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the comic Spider-Man
420BLAZEIT: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also Spider-Man
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you
I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.
A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.
Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
Believe me, I looked.
But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”
[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.
Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”
Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”
Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”
Everyone: *gasps*
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
**Pixar Film Themes Guide**
Toy Story: Jealousy
WALL-E: Environmentalism
Up: Bereavement
Cars: Cars