Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.
Judge: That’s my job!
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A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*
He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.
CEO of KFC: “We must always respect our customers. That is so important.”
Ian: “Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?”
CEO: “Yes.”
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple
ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.
I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.
He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”
Note to Self: In future interviews, don’t say “Safe in your strong arms” when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.
The French cow says MEUX…
*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.
*whispers* cheerios
my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Me: Nooooooooo.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry
The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.
ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.
MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?
As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.
[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]
Me: why did you abandon us?
Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.
The best sandwich I ever had was roast beef and brie at the Museum of Natural History cafe. It’s a memory that gets me through the tough sandwiches.
Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”