She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
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best first i’ve ever seen
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.
Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.
When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.
I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
Standing in line at the grocery store. Lady behind me says “you can move up and stand on that X on the floor”
I politely said “No, I’ve seen far too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for that”
Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
I’m going to need all parents to listen to me when I say “LOOK AT THE DIMENSIONS OF THE DOLLHOUSE BEFORE PURCHASING”.
Just trust me on this one.
Signed,
Proud owner of a small house that would probably fetch $1100/month on Zillow.
If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system
My kid just announced that when he’s a grown up he’s going to go to the ice cream shop every day, and now I want to be a grown up too
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand
She’ll love it
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u
[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]
ME: holy shit u saved me
OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die
Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets
last night I told my four year old I loved her and she said “I love you so much that if someone chopped your head off I’d carry it around forever in a bag”
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.
*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
STOP disrespecting my family
my mom is THOUGHTFUL AND STRONG
my dad is PRINCIPLED AND SINCERE
my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND
me
my grandmother is A SAINT
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig