Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that
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Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]
Her: are you alright?
Me: YES THIS IS HOW I RELAX NOW
8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard
6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.
Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.
Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!
My daughter plays recorder now and practices every single day, so yes, I believe in karma. I’m not even sure what I did, but I believe in it.
[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH
I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”
[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
ME: This is false advertising. I’ve been here an hour and nobody has even touched me. So lonely.
COP: Again, not what a holding cell is for
Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
Fruit ninja: [about to strike]
Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]
Fruit ninja: omg seriously
My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?
Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?
Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder
My favourite drivers are the designated ones.
Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings
wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]
I once told my mom that being the youngest child wasn’t so great because I got the least amount of time with her before she dies.
Just to show that my dark side comes from a loving place.