So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
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What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
Me: Let’s try it have a nice weekend without any fighting, ok?
Hub: Agreed
Me: Wait, where are you going?
Hub: Fishing. See you Monday
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
Sharks: [losing teeth]
Tooth fairy: please stop
Leading causes of cancer:
1. Smoking
2. Aging
3. Radiation
4. Diet
5. WebMD
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU
ASK IF YOUR COUNTRY IS THE REASON YOU CAN’T LOOK AT YOUR NEWSFEED WITHOUT SCREAMING IN TONGUES
[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME
Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
Facebook marketplace is a different world
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.
Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.
what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven
Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.
Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!
science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.
If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.
Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
There’s no “us” in nachos.