*guy getting eaten by a shark*
Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.
Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.
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INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”
ME: That’s correct.
I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.
M: And?
[construction site]
NEW GUY: can i use your hammer
OLD TIMER: no it’s mineFOREMAN: guys remember we’re building a mcdonalds
NEW GUY: can i use your mc hammer
OLD TIMER: u can’t touch this
Seriously.
Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!
“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
I’m the drunk sheep of the family.
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
“I hope this email finds you well”
The email finding me
[Creation]
God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”
*cell divides*
God:”What the-”
*cells divide again*
God:”Oh shi-“
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
[on date]
Me, thinking: Compliment her, but don’t be weird.
Me, out loud: You have healthy-looking gums.
me: what’s your favorite part of fall?
4: jumping in piles of leaves
me: that’s fun. do you like anything else?
4: money
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.
[at Taco Bell]
Me: TWO SOFT TACOS AND A BEAN BURRITO BOYEEEEEE
Speaker: ˢᴵᴿ˒ ᴾᴸᴱᴬˢᴱ ᴾᵁᴸᴸ ᵁᴾ ᵞᴼᵁ’ᴿᴱ ᵀᴬᴸᴷᴵᴺᴳ ᵀᴼ ᴬ ᴸᴵᴳᴴᵀ ᴾᴼᴸᴱ
*sees baby*
*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*
*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*
*sadness evaporates*
My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house
[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either
Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake
Me: aww you must really love cake
Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess