wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years
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Brb my Sims are getting married
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito
getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process
when your wife asks about the texts from Marie
Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*
Me: How much more oatmeal can you eat before you become a literary classic?
Donkey: What?
Me: *giggling* Donkey Oaty
Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.
Anyone want to trade jobs?
Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
Dear diary,
Day 1 (8 AM)
For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.
Day 1 (10 AM)
I’ve run out of food.
GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing
ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
GUY: DAMMIT
I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots
Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health
Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower
The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?
me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.
This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.
I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.
Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.
I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts
Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.