I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.
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My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?
ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs
It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too
Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*
“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”
By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.
When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.
Your honor these allegations are
I love how the cat trips me when I’m trying to refill his water bowl so that I get a water all over both of us, but then HE glares at ME.
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
[walking out of bathroom]
me: oh boy, do NOT go in there
*guy walks in anyway*
*comes out screaming*
me: ya it’s like super haunted
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house
I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.
Coworker-have you heard about that diet that works because you only eat 5 bites?
Me- *stuffs entire donut in mouth* nwopefff. fwuckff owfff.
Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.