“Please, take me out to dinner!”
“I don’t date married women, sorry.”
“I’m your wife!”
“No exceptions!”
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Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked
Me: You weren’t worried?
Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers
Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.
I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome
Me: I set a record for the rope climb in high school.
4-year-old: You climbed it the fastest?
My wife: He cried the most.
My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.
Boss: “Do you have a Twitter account?”
Me: “Umm… Yo no hablo inglès.”
Boss: “Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?”
Me: *fakes a seizure*
therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.
Keith: That’s not true.
English Language: Don’t make it weird.
Keith: But you just..
English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.
I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left
Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.
Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.
Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.
Dirty Dancing is a really upsetting if you imagine it from the POV of Baby’s dad, a cardiologist who just desperately wanted a few weeks of peaceful vacation.
I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.
[writers’ room for Silent Night]
MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?
JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild
MIKE:…….jesus christ jim
so my mum bought a lamb for £20 so it doesn’t get killed tomorrow and is planning to keep her in the garden with the dogs???? Honestly wish I could say I’m surprised but it’s very her
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.