“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
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“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.
The USS B port
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
roses are red
violets are blue
I don’t think you’re ready
for this spaghetti
Wife: Can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon
Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*
Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something
And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.
Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town
Me: I’m just worried something really bad is gonna happen
Them *gives me a hug*
Me: and there it is
*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*
Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don’t have to get out of bed to get them a drink.
What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.
Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?
I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom
Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.
I’ll stop now.
Captain: *opens treasure chest* Arrgh! It be just a mirror!
First Mate: Look closely, Cap’n
Captain: *studies* The treasure… is me?
Crew: Happy Birthday, Cap’n!
Captain: *sniff* Yarrr
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
Them: What are you wearing?
Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that’s shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There’s enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.
I LEFT MY TEDDY IN MY ROOM AND THE HOUSEKEEPER DID THIS??;!;!;!!;!;
#Caturday
Thick as shit.
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?
I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.
I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff
Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind