[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
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When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
I’m at my sexiest when I choke on rice and a piece gets lodged at the back of my nose and I’m snorting and sniffing and blowing to try and dislodge it.
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
if I can survive this, I can survive anything
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.
Pick one and get out of my face.
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails
if someone has a question, I do not want to know
If you get confused visiting Canada and you think you’re in France, relax my dear wanderer, you’re not high! It’s not you, it’s just Québec
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
Crossover ideas
– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys
North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
it’s dangerous to go alone, take this
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE
me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder
her: lol like what
me: well, most of its grandmas
her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see
my boyfriend and i met in a new york city publishing office a few years ago, and this christmas, he’s taking me to his hometown to meet the family, where i will for sure find out that, as a brunette who is dedicated to her job, i’m actually the villain of this movie
Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.
PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.
My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other
I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear