lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose
God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell
lucifer: what?
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People who are bad at hiding, I see you
I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.
I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.
What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don’t u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
[after an argument]
me: *scribbling on a paper*
him: what’s that? what are you writing?
me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing
My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.
She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.
Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.
My grandma is fierce.
I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
[reading of my fathers will]
Lawyer: and I bequeath to my son $100k as-
Me: heh, bequeath
Lawyer: long as that immature vomit fondler doesn’t laugh at the word ‘bequeath’
Me: he didn’t even have $100k, did he?
Lawyer: no, he just knew
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…
Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.
Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.
Me: So tired. So weak. Is this the coronavirus?
My body: The only vegetable you’ve had in weeks was on a pizza.
Me: Why me? I’m so young, so new to this earth
Body: You slept 20 total hours last week.
Me: Oh mortality, so cruel, so dark.
Body: Maybe drink water? Just once
4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]
guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you
4 dentists: [in agreement] no
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
Man reading a book: hot
Man with a baby: hot
Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.
Woman: Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist: Yes
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!
My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine
Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
My sex drive has a dui
Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”
UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries