I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.
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Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.
My kids were complaining they couldn’t find a tv programme to watch so I told them how little choice there was when I was a kid and 5 rolled her eyes and said “things have changed in the last 100 years mummy” and went back to scrolling
If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.
I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
5:00 pm: birds are amazing, I wish I had more time to enjoy nature
5:00 am: I want to murder every living bird
after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train
I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.
Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
Policeman: Name please?
Woman: Cheryl Cole
Policeman: Your FULL name
Woman: (quietly) Chernobyl Coleslaw
GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop
ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?
GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs
ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap
My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes
The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curvesMe, taking off my Spanx: behold
[Airport security]
Guard: Your flight leaves in 5 minutes
Centipede: No problem. I’ll just run. I have 100 legs.
Guard: Remove your shoes
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.
No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.
A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls