Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?
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Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*
White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE
*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”
Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.
Nothing like waking up on a Friday and finding out it’s Tuesday
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
Me: ok what did you do
Cat: U THINK CAT AM ONLY BEING NICE 2 COVER UP CRIME??
Me: well there’s precedent
Cat: AM INSULTED
Cat: AM DISGUSTED
Cat: AM MOST AND GOOD INNOCENT CAT
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat: FINE CAT AM PEE IN LAUNDRY BASKET
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.
I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.
Me: I’m going to be so productive today!
Apple Screen Time Report: LOL
[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*
I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit
I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.
I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*
ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon
Me: love it
ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon
Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes
ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon
Me: that’s an amer-
ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon
Me: goddammit
* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.