The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10
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No, I would NEVER put you on mute
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
m:[bleeding] Twice
Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?
Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.
Hostess:
Me: Write it down.
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.
[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
me: [making impt life decision] what should I do
wife: just listen to your gut
me: ok
gut: let’s get nachos
me: BYE WE’RE GOING OUT FOR NACHOS
wife: wtf just happened
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*Yeah. That’s do-able.
People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?
Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
You laugh at me now, but when a giant wheel of feral cheddar rolls up while you’re out walking alone, that’s the time you’ll wish for a can of CheeseMace™.
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
[concert]
lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?
me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?
Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*
[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”