I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
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[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?
*watches the world burn*
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?
PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.
Usain Bolt doesn’t know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.
I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.
Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.
“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
Own two different pasta machines.
still make cup noodles with the Keurig.
I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”