Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
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I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.
Romeo: *is added to DM room*
Juliet: *is taking a room break*
Romeo: *leaves room*
Juliet: *comes back from room break, sees Romeo isn’t there, leaves*
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*
I once told a guy that I knew he liked me when he went out of his way to help me move and he replied, “oh, no, I just helped you coz I’m a good friend.”
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.
Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs
*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch aroundAre these the stairs that guy dragged you down?
I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.
I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.
You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No
People with no volume control stress me out.
I’m sorry I can’t pay attention to you because I’m literally watching everyone else pay attention to you for this personal conversation. I feel like maybe they should just chime in since they’re probably invested now.
My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
WIFE: Where’s the dog?
*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*
ME: I let him outside.
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?
Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit
Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?
Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: You can find me in da club shawty
Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?
Me: Yes