SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?
SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot
SLEEPY: I sleep a lot
GRUMPY: my wife left me
You Might Also Like
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew ✔
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
PhewThe Chosen Phew
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon
[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me
stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:
*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.
is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan
I’m a giver.
*gives you a hard time*
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:
-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent
We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”
He was like “yeah, but never 3”
THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!
1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
*scrolls through Facebook on Mother’s Day*
me: EVERY SINGLE MOTHER CANNOT BE THE BEST MOTHER EVER. THAT’S NOT STATISTICALLY POSSIBLE. BESIDES, MY MOM IS.