Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
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*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?
[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?
Jehovah’s Witness: have you found god?
me: I’m not telling you, that’s cheating!
JW: excuse me?
me: that’s not how you play hide and seek, you’ve got to find him yourself!
Want followers? Tweet something funny.
Can’t think of anything? Tweet something honest.
Can’t say anything honest or funny?
Try Facebook.
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body
Cornhub…
For them dirty farmers.
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
Maternity.
Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.
FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!
My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance
Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast
[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this
I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.
it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you
Age 20: Gonna make something of my life
Age 30: Not really going as planned
Age 40: THEY KNOW ME BY NAME AT THE LIQUOR STORE