[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
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That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*
Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!
Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.
Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”
Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
Receives a compliment
Me: no sorry we don’t do that here
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time
*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”
I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.
“How’d you die?” “I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?” “I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen” “Oh..”
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
Friend: She really likes you.
Me: Oh yeah?
Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.
Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.
Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway
who called it a toilet and not an IP address