{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.
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You know something I’ve discovered?
This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.
It’s about the people you connect with.
Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.
❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜
IN JOB INTERVIEW
EMPLOYER: what do you think you’d bring to our company?
ME: i’m straight up goated. i’m efficiencymaxxing. i’m taskpilled. i’m in my fucking bag
EMPLOYER: ok i think we’ve heard enough
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.
My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now
Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.
I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey
Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?
Jesus: *In disguise* sure
JW: He’s lame
J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket
me: oh no
my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time
me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.
It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.
5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.
He didn’t hiccup.
He didn’t fake-hiccup.
He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.
3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*
Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*
3: THAT WAS MINE!
Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful
The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.
[at interview]
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.