Listen google, it’s 2015. I need you to figure out who I’m talking about when I type “that one guy in that movie I didn’t like.”
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No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.
When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!
Doctor: is your finger broken?
No, I don’t think so….
Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.
If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…
Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*
Cashier: you must be single?
Me: yes, lol. How did you know?
Cashier: you’re ugly.
My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.
Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.
me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into
prison guard: no talking after lights out
The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal
Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…
aaaaand I’m drunk.
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.
Apparently my wife believes that if she didn’t tell me where to turn when I’m driving I’d just keep going straight until I hit an ocean.
Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?
Client: sadly no. Just you.
Me:
Client: I didn’t mean it like that!
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever
Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off
Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day