Smiles from ear to ear.
Wife: what are you smiling about?
Our dog just took a giant dump in our neighbors yard
Wife: God I love that dog.
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Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.
DATE: What’s your favourite movie?
ME: Kill Bill
DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated
ME [long pause] Killiam William
My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.
As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
I pretend I have a “tax guy” because I’m a very busy businessman and not because I’m an idiot who won’t follow instructions
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.
what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.
dude at the dispensary is shooting his shot w a girl by explaining the entirety of Naruto. Everybody pray for him rn
How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?
Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife
Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
[montage of me giving-up]
You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is antonym
ME: synonym
JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example
ME: *lips on mic* i-t
All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist