Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
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Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*
“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”
I want to look hot on tinder.
*tries CBD oil for the first time*
“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”
“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”
“So you’re saying there’s a chance”
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
(Sigh)
I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
Child: Mum!
Dad: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Child: MUUUM!
Dad: (You little prick) Hey hun..
Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
Air conditioners are just human refrigerators
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, it just waved.
Sea what I did there?
I’m shore you did.
Laugh, you son of a beach!
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”
Publix cake decorators should get $50/hr
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
People will smugly use shrove tuesday to say you can have pancakes any day of the year, and then get weird when I respond by holding mistletoe over their head.
[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…
I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.
The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?
Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.
I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes
When my cousin came out as gay, his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist.
Which is too bad.
Cuz he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?
Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.