“Remember Robert from work?”
Yeah..he was a douche.
“He died.”
WHAT?!? OMG..He was such a nice guy!
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#WarAgainstPorn because they’re having sex and we’re not. No porn for anyone until everyone’s having sex, ok?
How did we decide to go with cockpit?
[stop light]
It will turn green in
5
4
3
2
1..
And
Now
It
Will
Turn
Greeeeeeeen
*turns green*
Ah yes nailed it.
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
[old couple feeding ducks in the park]
“Nothing could ruin this Edna”
*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.
My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
True freaking story!
You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
My son, in the restaurant: “Mom! If you don’t stop dancing to Despacito I’m literally going to drink and drive, and I don’t have a license yet.”
Friend: What are you doing this weekend?
Me: Amusement Pork.
Friend: You mean Amusement Park?
Me: No, I don’t.
Day 1 of diet:
forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.
*uneasily answers phone
‘Guess who?’
David?
‘No’
John?
‘No’
Mike?
‘No’
Steve?
‘No, I made you very happy the other night’
Haagen Daz?
‘NO’
Pizza Hut?
3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.
“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
*At a clothing store*
Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*Me:”No, I’m just good looking”
MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.
Not my fault if the kids give up too soon
*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*
What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?
me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.
lawyer: i think you mean alleged.
me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.