The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.
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Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
[flying to Vegas]
TSA agent: The metal detector is going crazy. Do you have any metal on you?Me: Just my lucky rabbit’s foot key chain, my lucky penny, my lucky bronzed four-leaf clover and my lucky horseshoe.
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.
I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
ever get so mad at your kids at walmart you grab a tennis racquet off the shelf and start spanking them with it before u realize u don’t have kids
A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look
Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.
I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.
officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football
detective: for crying out loud!
officer: most likely yes
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
Once I was a passenger in a car when a deer ran across the road. I screamed, so the driver looked at ME instead of the ROAD. I’ve trained myself to always scream “DEER!” instead of just screaming. *sighing* So. Anyway, sorry I screamed “DEER!” when you startled me in the hallway.
The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets
You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors