Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
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Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.
We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.
We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.
That sums up parenting pretty well.
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”
I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
guy: you wanna take this outside?
me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.
“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”
– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients
Going to a wedding today:
Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.Clearly I have work to do with the little one.
Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.
Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!
My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?
My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:
boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls
[street fight]
Come at me bro!!
*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles
*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
Psychologist : What is troubling you.?
Me : Well, doc, I think I can see into the future.
Psychologist : Into the future? When did this start?
Me : Next Monday.
*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop
condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
(2022)