They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.
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My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here
[white house staff meeting]
Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a pharmacist
Me: so farm assist like milking cows
Date: no like drugs
Me: oh
Date:
Me: how do u milk drugs
Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr
Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
me: *finally catching up financially*
the brakes on my car: hehe
Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him
My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy
Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?
*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*
Me: The gym.
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
I think long & hard before using innuendo.
You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don’t panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday
My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.
“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”