*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*
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Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
If you want to flirt with babes, just use cereal slogans like “You look magically delicious” or “I wanna put 2 scoops of raisins in dat ass”
Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes
God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?
Lion: yes.
God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?
Lion: no why?
[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]
God: I guess I’ll delete them then.
Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!
[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right awaySecurity Guard: take the escalator
Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
“why are you being so quiet?” bc I wasn’t listening the first half of the conversation and now I have no idea wtf is going on
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
In public
4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!
Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR
X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.
Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper
I’m hunting wabbits.
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.
Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.
Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink
“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*
Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card