My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”
Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”
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If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.
“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me:
Him:
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me aside* this was literally the first thing we talked about
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler
Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?Parenthood. It’s for you
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”
Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned
I switched from coffee to orange juice and told my doctor I felt better. He said it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I think it’s the vodka
Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
I went upstairs to grab my charger I brushed my hair, picked up some dirty clothes, changed my sons diaper, put on deodorant, came back downstairs, vacuumed the entire first floor & picked up some toys. I just sat down to plug in my phone & realized I never grabbed the charger.
Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?
Me: Ridiculous! I won’t pay it!
B: here’s your coffee. $12.32
M: thank you
cop: is this your chocolate factory?
wonka: why do you ask
cop: we have reports of maimed children and slave labor
wonka: that 8 year old owns it now