Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
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Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?
How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
5 kept asking Alexa what time his friend was coming over today. he was getting pissed when she didn’t know the answer.
dude may be able to work a tablet better than me but it’s good to be reassured i’m still smarter.
Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?
If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine
Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.
Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
who called it a missed phone call from your parents and not a boomer rang?
Therapist: Have you ever had a job?
Me: I once worked at a zoo
Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?
Me: Definitely not a penguin
Therapist: what
Me: what
why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went “ooooo” in a chorus of dismay
Feel like these super villains wouldn’t have to steal so much if they didn’t insist on paying for all their goons to be wearing the same outfit.
“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.