If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
You Might Also Like
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.
Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
[first day as a stand-up comedian]
batman: how’d I do, alfred?
alfred: i felt like your dad.
batman: proud?
alfred: 💀💀
oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out
I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
Yes I’m doing it wrong but I’m doing it wrong in the right way.
If using your 4yo as a remote control to fetch things makes you a bad parent, then I’m a bad parent…
A bad parent with an ice cold beer.
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
Wife: Why are you wearing that?
Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué
Wife: You mean risqué?
Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right
[First date]
Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*
me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*
{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.
Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.
[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field
150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.
Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.
By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”
Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
imagime if introverts were as aggresive to extroverts as extroverts r to introverts
“why do u hav to socialize”
“why dont u stay in”
“loser”
Daughter: This is a long movie preview.
Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.
Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours