me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
You Might Also Like
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
good for her
FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.
ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”
Kylo Ren: What was Vader like?
Leia: He blew up my planet & killed everyone I loved.
Kylo:
Leia:
Kylo: What was his stance on sideburns?
It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.
Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?
me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe
Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.
MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said
I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?
There’s no “u” in narcissist
Jesus: No one pours old wine into new wineskins…
Home DIY YouTuber: SURE YA CAN, HERE’S HOW TO DO IT RIGHT AT HOME IN FIVE EASY STEPS! ALSO, DON’T FORGET TO SMASH THAT LIKE BUTTON AND BE SURE TO SUBSCR
Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Me: Nooooooooo.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.
It still works 🤷🏼♀️
I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are
At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.
They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created