For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
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True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
[2.13am]
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*
My husband drives me to drink.
Unless a friend volunteers.
dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth
no refunds
What’s parenting 4 kids like so far?
I’ve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.
[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse
Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the name of the woods where robin hood hid out with his merry men?
BUBBA: sherwood forest
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the n
[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”
Many hands make light work
Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.
To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I’m after you now.
If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
Gym Bro: Dude, you gotta lift with your legs!
Me: I’ll eat this whole chicken any way I damn well please!
1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.
Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’
dude at the dispensary is shooting his shot w a girl by explaining the entirety of Naruto. Everybody pray for him rn
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit