Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!Do I wish for flying pigs?
Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices*has idea
*starts building catapult
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I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 🙁
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”
The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.
I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.
at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it
I post 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 on Facebook everyday.
I don’t play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.
*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!
*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”
*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
Person: you only live once
Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day
Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”
[Amazon marketing emails]
‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*
‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*
‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*
‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*
*looks in mirror*
Hmm *—add to basket*
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.
Mornin
Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]
How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?
Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*
I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.
Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.
Growing up was a huge mistake
my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??