Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.
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anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.
Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.
My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.
just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father
For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.
So, yeah, you’re right.
Enter password:
“ScoobyDoo”
sorry password must contain a special character
ScoobydooFeaturingBatman
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit
I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”
People will smugly use shrove tuesday to say you can have pancakes any day of the year, and then get weird when I respond by holding mistletoe over their head.
Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]
“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”
Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”
Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything
you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
My boss at the cheese factory wants to make “cheddar juice” by having us mix orange food coloring into the leftover byproduct. We’ve gotta make a decision: leave tonight or dye this whey.