going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
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Me: I’m a haredresser
Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?
Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?
them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
[during sex]
Me: So do you LIKE like me or
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…
Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn
*kicks the door in*
PEOPLE DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL AND HAVE THEIR NEEDS MET AND ALSO I’M SORRY ABOUT THE DOOR
Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”
You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day
I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.
corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-
me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—
ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.
INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—
ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.
Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table
Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.
The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!