First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
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Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.
ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend
When my 5yo brought home a library book called “People Don’t Bite People” I was really hoping this wasn’t a story his teacher recommended for him
Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?
Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.
Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.
in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”
Me gasping and flipping off the vultures as they circle above the running track
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
Cat: *purr*
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*
I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.
Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?
Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?
Me: Divorce
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???
Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”
-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands“I’ve been coronated”
-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now
Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.
He replied: My Mother-in-law!
We fist bumped.
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
Parenting log, day 560:
The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.
this is why you should always wash behind your ears
*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*
Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.
Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105– Fancy restaurants
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them