when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table
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My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”
Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?
Day Two: Murder
“You put the clothes in the washer, and then you put them in the dryer, then, on the third day, you fold them and put them away.” – my kid, totally blowing up my spot while explaining how laundry is done
I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?
[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident
Me: say no more
[Later]
Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet
[making out after date]
Her: Should we go back to your place?
Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet
[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care
That depressing moment when you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
“My phone is blowing up!”
*2 unread messages*
Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.
I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.
The pharmacist smiles kindly.
I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.
Well he called it a receipt…whatever.
Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.
I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)
I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray