waiter: what would you like?
me: maybe the steak
waiter: and what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have the steak too
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I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses
JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
Teacher: Any questions
*raises hand*
T: NO DUMB ONES
“Can you see continent names from space”
T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud
There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”
First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.
My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
[interview]
What is your biggest weakness?
“Sometimes I’m too succinct”
Can you give an example?
“Yes”
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”
*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*
Me: you’ll be in school until 2035
My Kid: *confidently* that’s not a real number
Me: maybe even longer
haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
“How deep should we make the shelves in this shower wall?”
“Hmm.. deep enough to hold the shampoo, but shallow enough so that a rogue current of air could send the contents of the shelf plummeting onto the person’s toes while they shower.”
“Perfect.”
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
[getting pulled over]
ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?
MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me
my father has started calling me “daughter number one” either bc (1) im the firstborn daughter or (2) im his favorite daughter or (3) he forgot my name, which is what i tell my sister, “other daughter” & my brother, “boy daughter”
Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.
Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories
(Writing in food journal)
me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”
Me: “You should wear them all the time.”
Her: “What?”
Me: “Exactly.”
Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”