Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
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End of date
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment all night
Him: *closes eyes and leans in for a kiss
Me: *honks horn as I speed away *
Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background
My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
hot peppers: if you chop me up i’ll cover your hands with pain oil.
me: no problem i’ll just wash them.
hot peppers: [chuckling] oh yeah good luck with that.
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
Me: “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep…”
The Lord: “You still have that?”
[first day as a botany professor]
me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?
student: to reproduce?
me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.
My horoscope today just said “NOPE”
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.
I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.
The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits
imagine marrying someone and then finding out they don’t want to name the dog after an italian cuisine and you have to take the children and Tiramisu and leave in the middle of the night
it be like that