angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
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My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.
autocorrect: Dan!
me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.
autocorrect: *growling* Dan.
me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO
A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.
“Emergency Defibrillator”
As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?
When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.
When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
Truth. 😆😭😮💨
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.
Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
“my 7th grader is reading at a 9th grade level” ok big deal, my doctor told me my body is aging at a 73 year old level.
My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger