I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?
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Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.
5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore
Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.
I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.
I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?
Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.
*middle of a 6 hour road trip,
One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”
I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.
And that’s how you win at parenting.
Our “safe place” during a tornado is a bathroom in the center of our house.
Kids in the tub, me sitting on the toilet, my husband and my ex-husband who had stopped by just before the tornado, all crammed into this tiny space.
Ex-husband: I really hope this isn’t the way I go.
I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.
Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.
Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.
[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
Stop sending me this shit.
I switched from coffee to orange juice and told my doctor I felt better. He said it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I think it’s the vodka
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂
to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂