don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness
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[HIGH SCHOOL]
teacher: you’ll use calculus one day
[AGE 40]
me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know
Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…
I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.
[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
I come from a long line of idiots. One of my ancestors was stabbed to death by his fellow Greeks for shouting ‘Brojan Horse amirite’ while waiting inside to ambush Troy.
That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
I don’t need an alarm clock, I have a 70 lb lab riddled with separation anxiety that wakes up at 5:35 am barking, OH LAWD I AM ALONE FOREVER WHERE ARE YOU DID YOU LEAVE ME FOREVER THIS IS AN EMERGENCY TIMMY IS IN THE WELL HELP ME I AM PANICKING ALIENS HAVE LANDED PLEASE COME NOW
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.
Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story
a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?
Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”
Wife:
Me: Everything isn’t about you.
[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
<thud>
*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
My toddler just sneezed into the fridge, so I have to cancel all of our plans for the next two weeks because my family will be taking turns having the plague.
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think