pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?
me: herbert
pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-
me: himbert
You Might Also Like
*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*
One time in LA I heard a girl tell her friend she made out in an Uber on a date then asked her friend “What’s the farthest you’ve ever gone in an Uber?” and her friend replied “Burbank.” and I’m convinced even Mel Brooks couldn’t have written a better setup and punchline.
If you don’t speak English. I’M GOING TO REPEAT EXACTLY WHAT I JUST SAID MUCH LOUDER. In hopes that you understand.
-Everyone at my job.
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?
ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
*Girl opens Xmas present*
“Why’d you get me carrots and lettuce?”
“Wait but that means-”
*Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*
My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?
Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
He had a cocktail in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and a beautiful woman half his age in the other. Then in the other a green tennis ball.
They called him… The Juggler
ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
want me to check your oil?
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
[me as a cop]
Me: Mrs Hill?
Woman: yes
Me: it’s Ms Hill now
Woman: huh
Me: ur husbands dead
Woman: h-how?
Me [hand on her shoulder]: he died
what is your most benign unpopular opinion? i don’t mean like “the earth is flat” type of unpopular opinion, i mean like “I think golden retrievers are annoying” unpopular opinion
*wear sunscreen*
*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*
*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*