I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
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I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.
Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
[Speed date]
Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT
Dating for me is like wearing cashmere, I think I can handle it, and then a few hours later I’m like, “Get it off of me!!!”
The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you…r underwear elastic to break because I don’t wish bodily harm on you but I think you deserve to be mildly inconvenienced.
i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on
If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.
I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.
Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
Guy who likes music
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
Ruby Tuesday lures you in with the promise of “bottomless fries” but then escorts you out with “you have to wear pants in here”.
Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.
KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
I went the wrong way down the grocery store aisle and you’d think I was looking at a 10 year prison sentence with the way Karen reacted.
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless personI don’t like to talk about it
I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us