I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn
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As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.
[Walk into a Cat Cafe]
Me-I’ve never eaten cat. What do you recommend?
Lady-They’re for adopting not eating
M-Oh, well can I adopt one?
L-No
Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
me: you said you were going to clean your room
5 year old: I said it, but I didn’t promise
me: yes you did. you said, “I promise”
5 year old: ok, I promised, but I didn’t mean it
I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.
I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.
Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
*loses one contact on way to gym, gets there to find my membership has expired*
Me: [one eye blinking uncontrollably] I guess I’ll come back after I renew.
Manager: *winking back* This workout is on me.
5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?
I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
[Wizard of Oz characters Now]
Scarecrow: professor
Tin Man: fell in love
Lion: public speaker
Toto: still blessing the rains down in africa
I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.
Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”
“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”
“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”
Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.
ME: have you seen my keys?
WIFE: check your pockets
ME: nope
[phone rings]
ME: hello?
CIA: check your other pocket
Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.
“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.
“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.
me and the Superbowl rn
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex