Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?
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I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.Ps. Shut it, maths police.
“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.
DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.
I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal
This married couple was eating dinner, he meant to ask his wife for salt, but What came out was, I hate you stupid Bitch you ruined my life
medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.
Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
The year is 2482.
The human population has been decimated.
Machines have taken over Earth.
A new season of Grey’s Anatomy starts.
I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume
Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.