I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.
I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.
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Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.
Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]
Lose wallet.
Panic.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog
Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”
if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
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Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
3yo told me to watch her show, sat me on the living room couch, asked if I’d like a drink, brought me a fake glass of wine, said “the show is about to begin,” hid in the wings, then returned and whispered discretely that my children were not behaving and I’d have to leave.
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
[Gets Pulled Over]
Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.