your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me
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My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.
soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.
*Shakes wife awake
“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”
Wife:Omg kill Hitler!
“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”
I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.them: yeah?
me: try the coffee.
“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower
I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.
-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline
pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.
Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called
Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
North and South
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
When a work project succeeds: “This was a group project. We all contributed and worked hard on it, and we all deserve credit. Yay team!”
When a work project fails: “That was Steve’s idea.”
IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.
i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign
me: what’s your sign?
chef: spisces
My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.
I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
ME: how do you stop yourself from falling all the way to China?
GHOST: I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to haunt a different house.
Friend: You have guacamole on your face.
Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.
Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri